


Life is hard

by Karolina98



Category: Thor - Fandom
Genre: Death, F/M, Immortality, Mentions Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 10:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karolina98/pseuds/Karolina98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life or death; you never get it right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is hard

**Author's Note:**

> It's kinda depressing..

“If you’re here to dissuade me, or to tell me I’m wrong, just don’t.” Jane was hoping for strength, for anger and a firm voice, but she just sounds tired. And sad. “Just go away.” Jane tells Lyra, but as Lyra only ever does what she herself feels like, she’s not going anywhere. But Lyra’s not saying anything either, so, small blessings. Neither of them speak for a long time and Jane is cold, very cold.

“I’m an astrophysicist.” Jane says finally, Lyra is the kind of person you want to spill your guts to=o. She will answer every question, even if you don’t want to hear the answer. “I should weep with the beauty of a place like this.” They are on the very top of a mountain, the view, this planet, it is (should be) breathtaking. The universe lies at Jane’s feet. Once she _would_ have wept with the beauty, the excitement of it. But now.. “they may as well be glow in dark stickers.” Jane says bitterly. Lyra says nothing.

“Is this what you see?” Jane can’t help but ask. It’s been decades and she still can’t make sense of the woman.

“Not right now.” Lyra disagrees. There is a small smile playing around Lyra’s mouth and she breathes in the way people do when they are alight with wonder. As Jane should be. But Jane’s not.

“You know, I used to be afraid Thor would leave me.” Jane begins. Loki and the like are adamant Lyra has no magic, but Jane isn’t so sure. She really doesn’t want to talk about this. “Actually, for a while I wasn’t afraid and all.” Jane’s voice breaks. “But yeah, later I was afraid he would leave me.” Jane feels tears well, but they won’t fall. “And now..” Jane pauses, would she feel better if she could just sob? “Now I’m afraid he won’t.”

“He won’t.” Lyra confirms and Jane knows a prophecy when she hears one.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to watch him watch me die.” Jane admits and the pain of it is killing all the stars that used to live inside her. She can’t cry over though. Lyra doesn’t give any indication on how she feels about this; it’s always hard to tell what Lyra is feeling.

“I could handle you, and Loki and Darcy, all of you, staying young and strong and” Jane swallows resentment. “alive. But not him.” Jane heaves a lungful of air. “Not Thor.” Lyra doesn’t comment and Jane kicks a stone off the edge of the cliff and debates flinging herself after it.

“Would you help me disappear?” Jane asks and she doesn’t know if she wants to hear the answers.

“Yes.” Lyra states and Jane knows this to be truth. They don’t speak for a long time. The stars are dull, the nebulae flat and nothing buts dust. There is no beauty there. Jane is dying, not just physically, but her soul is dying with every new wrinkle, with every grey hair. With every second that puts a distance between her and Thor.

Thor doesn’t mind. He treats her as he always has; as if she’s still like she was forty years ago. But she’s not; it’s not the wrinkles and the grey hair, it’s the shortness of breath, her failing eyesight, extra vitamins and brittle bones. It’s the knowledge her body is collapsing. It’s the knowledge that, without danger, without adventure, without struggle, she is inching towards death at an alarming rate. Thor loves her and that will never change. But she sees his pain when he thinks she’s not looking, and it’s pushing her soul in the same direction as her body.

“What do you think?” Jane’s question betrays her.

“I think life is hard.” Lyra responds evenly and Jane wants to scream at the platitude.

“So I should just kill myself?” Jane tries sarcasm, but as the words fall from her lips, there is a part of her that seriously considers it.

“It would certainly be easiest for you.” Lyra says and for a moment Jane is so shocked it feels as if she’s alive. People aren’t supposed to say that. But Lyra is Lyra.

“I- I..” Jane starts, but she doesn’t know what to say.

“Look.” Lyra sounds suddenly very human. “Death is the end. You will no longer suffer, one way or the other, but you will no longer _be_ either.” Right, Jane had forgotten that Lyra truly believed that there was nothing after death.

“I-“ Jane still has no words.

“Jane.” Lyra doesn’t give her the time to think about them. “My people only live a few decades longer than yours and I have outlived that lifespan twice over now.” Lyra never had a choice in her immortality, but Jane could never really imagine Lyra having deep thoughts about it. Nor does she quite understand what Lyra wants to say.

“I think I was immortal once.” As Jane says it, she knows it. They are quite rare now, but they still happen sometimes, the magical pressure. The memories of things that never were.

“And you have always been here.” Lyra adds, Jane doesn’t think Lyra means this geographical location. “Too much life or not enough, you have always been here.”

“I don’t _want_ to be here!” Jane suddenly shouts. It’s awful and wrong and so very _unfair;_ to have her life culminate in bitterness and resentment and suicidal thoughts, any which way. Jane holds her hand up in the glittery light of the heart of the Milky Way. It’s small, wrinkled and it tremors. “I’m falling apart.” Jane chokes. She gulps for air, she wants to sob and scream, but she can’t. It’s like the ruin of her body has forgotten how.

“I don’t want to die.” Jane says. “I haven’t lived enough.” She shakes her head. “I hate this. I hate my biology.” Tears start pouring, finally.

“What do I _do?_ ” Jane pleads.

“I can’t tell you.” Lyra answers. “I never knew.”

 

.................................................... 

 

“If you’re here to dissuade me, or to tell me I’m wrong, just don’t.” Jane was hoping for strength, for anger and a firm voice, but she just sounds tired. And sad. “Just go away.” Jane tells Lyra, but as Lyra only ever does what she herself feels like, she’s not going anywhere. But Lyra’s not saying anything either, so, small blessings. Neither of them speak for a long time and Jane is cold, very cold.

“I’m an astrophysicist.” Jane says finally, Lyra is the kind of person you want to spill your guts to. She will answer every question, even if you don’t want to hear the answer. “I should weep with the beauty of a place like this.” They are on the very top of a mountain, the view, this planet, it is (should be) breathtaking. The universe lies at Jane’s feet. Once she _would_ have wept with the beauty, the excitement of it. But now.. “they may as well be glow in dark stickers.” Jane says bitterly. Lyra says nothing.

“Is this what you see?” Jane can’t help but ask. It’s been decades and she still can’t make sense of the woman.

“Not right now.” Lyra disagrees. There is a small smile playing around Lyra’s mouth and she breathes in the way people do when they are alight with wonder. As Jane should be. But Jane’s not.

“You know, I used to be afraid I was nothing more than a breath to Thor.” Jane begins. Loki and the like are adamant Lyra has no magic, but Jane isn’t so sure. She really doesn’t want to talk about this. “Actually, for a while I wasn’t afraid and all.” Jane’s voice breaks. “But yeah, later I was I would be but a fleeting memory to him, a victim to biology and an unfair universe.” Jane feels tears well, but they won’t fall. “And now..” Jane pauses, would she feel better if she could just sob? “Now I’m afraid he’ll just be a heartbeat of mine.”

“He won’t be.” Lyra states and Jane knows a prophecy when she hears one.

“I don’t think I’m strong to live like this.” Jane admits and the pain of it is killing all the stars that used to live inside her. She can’t cry though. Lyra doesn’t give any indication on how she feels about this; it’s always hard to tell what Lyra is feeling.

“I could stand outliving everyone. I could lose everyone and everything to the sands of time.” Jane swallows resentment. “But not him.” Jane heaves a lungful of air. “Not Thor.” Lyra doesn’t comment and Jane kicks a stone off the edge of the cliff and debates flinging herself after it. But it probably wouldn’t matter.

“Would you help me die?” Jane asks and she doesn’t know if she wants to hear the answers.

“Yes.” Lyra states and Jane knows this to be truth. They don’t speak for a long time. The stars are dull, the nebulae flat and nothing buts dust. There is no beauty there. Jane is alive while everyone else that she knew is rotting, turning to dust. The eons stretch out in front of her, and they cold and cruel and lonely.  

Thor was pleased once. He had been so very happy with the knowledge she would get to share his life. _All_ of his life. The centuries stretched and Thor turned out to be less immortal than her. Grey hairs and wrinkles and all the indignities of old age. And she loves him, she loves him so much. And he never stopped loving her, even if the amount of time they had been together was mind- boggling to her still human mind. But he’s dying, slowly and steadily, and Jane can’t watch him go.  

“What do you think?” Jane’s question betrays her.

“I think life is hard.” Lyra responds evenly and Jane wants to scream at the platitude.

“So you really think I should kill mysef?” Jane tries sarcasm, but as the words fall from her lips, there is a part of her that seriously considers it.

“It would certainly be easiest for you.” Lyra says and for a moment Jane is so shocked it feels as if she’s alive. People aren’t supposed to say that. But Lyra is Lyra.

“I- I..” Jane starts, but she doesn’t know what to say.

“Look.” Lyra sounds suddenly very human. “Death is the end. You will no longer suffer, one way or the other, but you will no longer _be_ either.” Right, Jane had forgotten that Lyra truly believed that there was nothing after death.

“I-“ Jane still has no words.

“Jane.” Lyra doesn’t give her the time to think about them. “My people are only supposed to live a few decades longer than yours are. We have outlived that lifespan many times over now.” Lyra never had a choice in her immortality, but Jane never saw her suffer for it. Nor can she appreciate the attempt at sympathy. Loki hasn’t aged either.

“I think I died a long time ago.” As Jane says it, she knows it. They are quite rare now, but they still happen sometimes, the magical pressure. The memories of things that never were.

“And you have always been here.” Lyra adds, Jane doesn’t think Lyra means this geographical location. “Too much life or not enough, you have always been here.”

“I don’t _want_ to be here!” Jane suddenly shouts. It’s awful and wrong and so very _unfair;_ to have her life culminate in bitterness and resentment and suicidal thoughts, any which way. Jane holds her hand up in the glittery light of the heart of the Milky Way. It’s small, smooth an exactly as it has been for millennia. “I’m frozen.” Jane chokes. She gulps for air, she wants to sob and scream, but she can’t. It’s like her body, so meticulously maintained, won’t allow her to.

“I don’t want to live without him.” Jane says. “I can’t live eternity on my own.” She shakes her head. “I hate this. I hate this technology.” Tears start pouring, finally.

“What do I _do?_ ” Jane pleads.

“I can’t tell you.” Lyra answers. “I never knew.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am a hopeless optimist, so I'm sure I will think of a happy-ever-after solution somehow.


End file.
